


Notice me, Jesus Senpai

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Relationships, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, M/M, Taco Bell, Tags Are Hard, Team Crackship, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Walmart, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 17:49:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2660984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is killed and goes to Heaven, he didn't expect to meet the love of his life.<br/>Armin is there briefly.<br/>So is Shrek, Skrillex, Dave from Kickass, and One Direction.<br/>Prepare to lose brain cells.<br/>I'm super cereal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Notice me, Jesus Senpai

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write something really stupid.  
> Pairings:  
> Eren x Jesus  
> Armin x Shrek  
> Levi x shout cleaning supplies  
> Jesus x Dave from the movie Kickass  
> Kickass x Skrillex

Eren Yeager had never put much thought into his love life, he hadn’t had much time for it with the world being overrun by titans.

He didn’t know that the end of his life would bring him to meet the most beautiful person that he’d ever seen. 

The day he died and was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven brought him to meet the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. Jesus Senpai.

But how did he die, you ask?

The young angry male was beaten to death with a broom by none other than the not so friendly neighborhood oompa loompa, Levi. What did he do to deserve such a slow, painful death?

He spilled grape soda on Levi’s new white rug.

 

-flashback-

“Jaeger, did you spill grape soda on my carpet?” His stare was cold and angry…as usual.

The cravat neatly tucked into his uniform and a white bandana covering his dark black hair.

“I’m sorry, Heichou. I didn’t mean to…At least you married Shout.” If you don’t know who Shout is…

Let me tell you.

Shout is the best cleaner ever invented, It can take a stain out of anything.

Except for grape soda and white rugs. (Shout totally existed in this universe. As well as grape soda.) 

“Don’t bring my wife into this! It isn’t her fault that you are a dumbass.” 

That was when Levi picked up the heavy broom from his closet, eye fucking it as he carried it across the stained carpet towards Eren. 

A maniacal grin on his face as he lifted it above his head and hit Eren as hard as he could in the temple.

“I’m sorry it had to end this way Eren. You were kind of hot.” The blood further staining his white carpet, angering him more. 

 

No wonder they call him Humanity’s Angriest. 

 

-end flashback-

 

Back to the big ass gates of Heaven….

 

Eren looked to his left, a couple other people standing around him. But one person stood out in general. 

A familiar face.

“Armin?!” The blonde shota looked at Eren and walked closer. 

“You died too?” Eren shouted and made his typical scowl face for no reason. 

 

“I guess so.” Armin had an unamused look on his face.

If he had to die, why’d he have to die with a bunch of idiots? Just then saw a tall, green creature standing in front of him. 

The sight pulled him from his thoughts. 

He looked like a titan but smaller and…green. 

He was disgusted by how incredibly turned on he was by the creature. 

It was obvious that he’d never had a shower before; it was also incredibly obvious that everyone was grossed out by him. 

But not the blonde shota. 

“What are you?” a tone of disgust clung to Armin’s tone. 

It wasn’t till the monster turned around that he noticed the large chain hanging around the green man’s neck. 

He was also wearing a Snoop Dogg t-shirt. The blonde had no idea what a “Snoop Dogg” was. 

“I’m an ogre, shawty. You is pretty sexy. I wouldn’t mind shwrecking dat ass tonight. Dayum. The name is Shrek.” 

A look of shock appeared on Armin’s face. N

ot only was he turned on by his gnarly appearance, his strange dialect was sexy too.

“Yo dawg, is your little friend single? My man Skrillex,” the ogre raised his hand to point to a peculiar looking person with half of his head shaved and an ugly pair of shades.

Man was he ugly. “Needs a man, he can throw down some sick beats. Ya dig?” Beets? Why would he want to throw vegetables? 

These people were odd. Armin looked at Eren and shrugged before looping his small arm with Shrek’s and walking away. Then, Eren was alone again.

Left to contemplate why everyone else was so weird.

He didn’t understand what was going on. 

When he approached the large gates, he saw him…he saw the love of his life.

He never knew how thirsty he could be for someone. 

Until he met…Jesus senpai. 

His scruffy beard and beautiful mangled hair gave Eren the most awkward boner. He tried to cover it, only to be pointed at and laughed at by the one they call…Harry Styles.

A fashionable man that had four clones with him. 

He was hot too but not as hot as Jesus.

When he approached the man, he blushed heavily and tried to keep his cool.

“Eren Jaeger, yes it seems you died in unfair circumstances in the titan universe. That is by far the worse universe to have to live in. I’m sorry that I don’t save anyone there, at least all of your friends will join you soon.”

Jesus said, adjusting his hipser glasses.

“Here is your welcome packet. Yoga is on Tuesday and there are half priced milkshakes after midnight. Oh, by the way…I am your lord and savior Jesus Christ.” His smile was warm and his eyes full of care (except for anyone that lived in the titan universe).

 

“Jesus…Senpai…” Eren made no attempt to wipe the drool from his mouth. 

“I will not notice you. Please go away. Or I will revoke your movie night privileges.” 

He shooed Eren away and went back to judging people as they appeared at the gates. 

Feeling alone, Eren sat down in a field full of flowers that overlooked a Walmart. Whatever that was. 

He knew from the moment he saw Jesus that he was in love with him. Eren had to have him and have his babies  
.  
Eren ended up falling asleep and didn’t awaken till he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. When he looked up, a look of shock crossed his face.

“Jesus senpai.” A blush rose on his cheeks.

“Yes Eren, it is I.” Jesus’s robes draped over his beautiful body gracefully and the mandals he was wearing made his feet look hella sexy. 

He flexed his arms to show off his amazing physique. The sight of Jesus flexing turned Eren on…like a lot.

“The truth is…” Jesus started but didn’t finish. His voice filled with a certain emotion. Was it love?

“I did notice you, Eren.” Eren’s heartbeat against his chest heavily. He watched as Jesus sat down beside him, laying his magical staff down at his side. 

Suddenly, random sheep appeared. They grazed happily in the meadow and did sheep things.

“Y-you did?!” The newly discovered shota said with shock filling his words. He had never thought that Jesus would notice him.

“Yes…but our love is forbidden. I can’t risk losing this job, I don’t want to go back to being a Taco Bell employee…” Jesus sighed heavily, the sadness in his heart obvious.

“But Jesus Senpai…I love you.” Eren scooted closer to the man, placing his hand on Jesus’s thigh and leaning in closer to his chapped lips. 

“If we’re going to do this, it must be a secret. I don’t want my wife, Dave from Kickass to find out…” Then his lips were on Eren’s. They kissed heavily with great desire, Eren’s tongue tangling with Jesus’s. 

It was obvious that Eren was still a virgin because he didn’t even know how to kiss. Jesus skillfully kissed the younger male and ran his hands over his barely abs. 

When they finally pulled away from each other, they both had smiles on their faces.

“I love you too, Eren.” When they looked over the two saw a green ogre and a blonde in the distance.

Eren was horrified from looking at his childhood friend kiss such a horrifying creature. He then started crying and threw up in the grass.

“Awh hell naw! I am six months pregnant, Jesus! And you cheat on me with a teenager! Unbelievable!” Dave said, holding a frying pan and wearing bunny slippers.

“Well guess what, I’m leaving you for Skrillex!” Jesus was struck with the frying pan and knocked out cold, as well as Eren.

 

 

 

 

This doesn’t have an ending so…

 

Use your imagination.

 

K bye.


End file.
